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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25485142">mourn with the moon and the stars up above</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/skatefasteatgrass/pseuds/skatefasteatgrass'>skatefasteatgrass</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Look man, Made myself cry, i just ramble on about noah for like ages, i just really fucking miss noah czerny, there is like no dialogue here</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 02:22:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,527</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25485142</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/skatefasteatgrass/pseuds/skatefasteatgrass</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Who was Noah Czerny?<br/>It depended who you asked.</p><p>-</p><p>it really upsets me that Noah slipped from time so I decided that actually they do remember him, because that's what he DESERVES</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Noah Czerny &amp; Adam Parrish, Noah Czerny &amp; Blue Sargent, Noah Czerny &amp; Richard Gansey III, Noah Czerny &amp; Ronan Lynch</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>mourn with the moon and the stars up above</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Who was Noah Czerny?</em>
</p><p>If you asked Blue Sargent, Noah Czerny was friend you could never let go of. He was the kindest person she had ever met; he would give you the shirt off his back if he could, would hold you together with just his hands when you were falling apart, would <em>die for you</em>. He would let you kiss him, though his lips were cold and his hands even more so, because you needed it. Even when he loved you more than you loved him. Even when he knew he could not kiss you again.</p><p>Noah would help you plant flowers in the garden that belonged to a man you needed to bribe, a man who lived on spaghetti-os and curses. He would watch you dig the rough dirt up with your spade and plant the seeds, and when he found himself tangible enough, he would follow your steps, precautious and gentle. Blue thought that Noah was perhaps the only one of those raven boys, of <em>her raven boys</em>, who knew everything, and despite this he remained <em>kind</em>. He was sweet and he was genuine and he was the kind of boy who Blue could lie on the grass with and point at every star, and he would <em>never </em>get bored. He had a gleam in his eye that suggested he wanted to love you harder than he had ever loved somebody before, and he would still be gentle. He would <em>still </em>be <em>soft</em>.</p><p>Blue missed Noah dearly. She knew that he had never been alive as long as she had known him, that he had always been not-quite-right, and that the Noah she had known was not the Noah who had been born into the world. The Noah she had known was the Noah who had died in this world.<br/>
It did not stop Blue from missing him.</p><p>There were days when Blue glanced up at the stars and, for a moment, she could swear that she heard his voice whisper in her ear, his frigid breath. “I think the stars are very pretty. I think you’re a lot like the stars.”<br/>
She knew that he wasn’t there, she did. But she would always turn to see him, <em>just in case</em>, because secretly, Noah had always been her favourite. She loved Gansey, and she loved Adam, and she loved Ronan, but there had been something about Noah that made Blue <em>soar</em>. Those days spent just with him, <em>just him</em>, his smile and his viral laugh and his wide, kind eyes, those were her favourite days. Those had always been her favourite days.</p><p>Blue missed every part of Noah. She missed his soft and innocent voice, his small “<em>oh”</em>s that he made when he realised he was just about to fade away. He had always preferred to whisper than to shout, preferred the quiet over the noise. He saw and heard everything but said very little, always cautious, always scared. Blue missed his bright smile, the way it would form around his teeth with crinkles near his eyes when Ronan told a joke that, in all honesty, was not particularly funny. Noah had smiled a very average amount, but Blue felt that it had not been enough. She thought that a smile looked at home on Noah’s face.</p><p>She thought that Noah had been home, once.</p><p>Noah had been a wonderful friend.</p><p>
  <em>Who was Noah Czerny?</em>
</p><p>If you asked Adam Parrish, Noah Czerny was a friend who would never let go of <em>you</em>. He had a grip tighter than Tarzan, even when you just wanted him to piss off so you could have a moment alone, and he would not loosen his fingers even if you died in them. He did not know how to read a room, but when had he ever needed to? Gansey had almost always announced how they should all be feeling, what was happening next, and if it wasn’t him then Ronan was making a great deal about something. Noah had never wanted to let you go, but there would always be times when he had no choice.</p><p>Noah loved like he held; consistent, forever, gently. At first, you thought that his problem was he wanted you to feel better, he wanted you to feel loved, and he did not know how to deliver this message without holding you. It took a lot of looking and a lot of thinking to realise that it had not been about you, that it had never been about you. It was because Noah was <em>afraid</em>. Fear was an emotion that knew Noah well, that had riddled his brain a long, long time ago, and it seeped into everything. All he knew was to hold. To love. What was fear against a friend’s embrace? What was fear against that titanium bond connecting Noah and the friends he loved?</p><p>Adam never forgot Noah, or what it felt like to be held by him. Noah sometimes floated to the back of Adam’s mind, but he never strayed; he would always be a memory that Adam would not be able to lose, because Noah held <em>on</em>. It was only after many nights of tear-stained pillows clutched in angry fingers, of curled up knees and long, muffled screams, that Adam realised perhaps Blue had been right. It was not just that Noah couldn’t let go; it was that he could not be let go of. He was gone, but he’d never be <em>gone</em>. He was the immoveable soul who stood behind you in the line for movie tickets, just to make sure you had space; who walked next to you at night so that you weren’t scared; who sat before you when you couldn’t stop crying, his head tilted.</p><p>“I always feel that one of you is missing,” Henry Cheng often said, when there was a gap in the conversation nobody quite knew how to fill. “Just feels like there should be one more.”<br/>
<em>Noah</em>, Adam’s brain said. Out loud, he said nothing. It was not right to erase Noah from time by saying that there had only ever been four of them, Blue and Gansey and Ronan and him, but it would be much too hard to tell Henry about Noah. It was hard to describe Noah with words. You had to describe him with touch; a kiss on your hairline, fingers brushing your shoulder, arms wrapped around your chest, palms of hands on your cheeks.</p><p>Adam knew that it was never going to work, keeping Noah here, in a world that he could not stay in without Blue’s energy. He knew that no matter how afraid Noah was, how much they missed him, he had to go. He had to finally let them go.</p><p>It didn’t make it any easier when he felt that brush of fingers in his hair and realised Noah could not be the culprit anymore.</p><p>
  <em>Who was Noah Czerny?</em>
</p><p>If you asked Ronan Lynch, Noah Czerny was a pain in the ass. Ronan would never tell you what Noah really was, because he couldn’t speak about him for longer than thirty seconds without choking on his grief. It was an emotion Ronan felt far too often for his liking nowadays, and he did not want to dwell on it any more than he really had to.</p><p>But if you did <em>not </em>ask Ronan, if you simply let him think to himself, Noah was the bravest coward in the world. Ronan couldn’t decide if bravery was everything Noah was, or if cowardice was the better word for it; what did you call it when somebody stayed present, tangible, because they were afraid? What did you call it when a boy kept himself in a world he didn’t belong to anymore, even though it tore him apart in front of everybody’s eyes? Was it selfishness, the need for permanence on Earth, the need to be among his friends? Or was it a foolish act of absolute courage?</p><p>Ronan didn’t really know; he doubted he ever would understand Noah. Even if he found a way to navigate his strange and guarded mind, it was much too late now. There was no point truly understanding a dead boy.</p><p>Ronan would never admit it, but things felt wrong without Noah. Even when Noah was missing, or when he was simply a vase smashing or a door slamming shut, there had been this knowledge that he would come back, that he was always going to be a part of their little group, of their <em>kingdom</em>. Now, when they all knew that Noah was never to return, that empty space they all left for him was cold and abandoned. The left window seat in the back of the Pig, the sliver of standing room next to Blue, the outside of that booth at Nino’s… Ronan did not think he would ever see them the same. Even when they were occupied by Henry, they were <em>Noah’s</em>.</p><p>And Noah was never coming back.</p><p>Not this time.</p><p><em>Noah, you brave fucking coward</em>, Ronan would think when he saw that empty Camaro seat. <em>You don’t know how much we miss you.</em></p><p>Ronan would never admit it, but things were never going to be the same without Noah.</p><p>
  <em>Who was Noah Czerny?</em>
</p><p>If you asked Richard Gansey III, Noah was, simply, this: a king. Gansey did not know what Noah’s kingdom was, or if he ever had one at all, but there was never a doubt in his mind that the ghost of a boy had been a king. You could not capture as many hearts as that, could not make such a mark on the world and the lives of so many, without having that golden metaphorical crown resting on your head. It did not matter how many times Gansey was told that he was the king, he would always, <em>always</em> know the truth—Noah was a better man than he ever could be. To give up his life not just once, but twice, for Gansey… that was not something Gansey could forget, nor was it the actions of a fiend.</p><p>The world had long forgotten Noah. His name had been wiped from the Aglionby records; his bones had disappeared from his grace; his family weren’t quite sure where those Peach Schnapps ever ended up. Even Henry did not remember the face of the boy who traded his life, though in fairness, Gansey didn’t recall whether Henry had ever spoken to Noah. But regardless of the world’s collective amnesia, Gansey remembered Noah. Gansey would always remember Noah; Gansey, Blue, Ronan and Adam. They were his survivors, and they would not forget him, nor would they ever forget what he did for them.</p><p>A long time ago (had it been long ago? Time was as unpredictable as life and Gansey had given up trying to make sense of it when it came to his experiences), Noah had written the same word over and over on the windshield of a car, screaming to be remembered, screaming for justice. <em>MURDER. MURDER. MURDER</em>. And on the same day, Ronan had replied to him, had made him a promise.<br/>
<em>REMEMBERED</em>.<br/>
It was going to take all of the forces the universe had to offer to make Gansey forget his friend, more forces than it would have ever taken to kill him.</p><p>
  <em>Who was Noah Czerny?</em>
</p><p>If you asked Noah Czerny, he was two people, a boy from before and a boy from after. He was a raven boy, an Aglionby student, an accomplice to the search for Glendower, a victim, a life taken too soon, an obstacle in Whelk’s way, the second boy. He was a friend, an overflowing vessel of love, a cold body, a hero, the fourth boy. He was murdered, he was forgotten, and he was remembered. He was a soul, a ghost, then a memory.</p><p>Noah was Blue’s friend, who helped her know what it meant to kiss somebody you cared for, who planted flowers <strike>for</strike> with her, who pet her hair because he knew when she was sad, he knew when she needed just a <em>friend</em>, not a crush or a boyfriend or a rival. Blue, secretly, had always been Noah’s favourite, because there were times when he did not have to worry about observing with her; he simply had to be there. He could say what he wanted and he knew that she would always listen to him, even if he was simply rambling.<br/>
Blue had been a wonderful friend. Noah missed her very much.</p><p>Noah was Adam’s friend, who loved him silently, who always hated to see those dark, deep blue bruises across his face and up his arms, who held him because sometimes, a boy just needed to be held, and if there were any boys who needed to be held more than others, Adam was one of them. Noah wished that he had spoken to Adam more, had had the courage to hold him even when he was angry, <em>especially </em>when he was angry. Adam was more than he saw in himself; Noah always saw that ‘more’, that shining bravery and the passion and the determination, all of the good bits that Adam thought were hidden.<br/>
Adam had been such a lovely friend. Noah had always loved him.</p><p>Noah was Ronan’s friend, too. Noah had always thought it had been very hard to be friends with Ronan Lynch, but nevertheless, he had spent hours upon hours making it work. Even when Ronan called him names. Even when Ronan scoffed at him. Even when Ronan played his music too loudly. Even when Ronan threw him out of the <em>goddamn window</em>. Noah had wormed his way into the cracks in Ronan’s exterior and found that song, that silly song Gansey hated, the Murder Squash song. It was not everything the two of them had, but Noah thought that the Murder Squash song was funny, and Ronan liked to sing it, so it was <em>something</em>.<br/>
Ronan had been a very interesting friend. Noah liked his singing.</p><p>Noah was Gansey’s friend. <em>Gansey</em>. Gansey was everything that Noah could not be, and at first he had resented it, but after a little while, he found it charming. Where would they all be without Gansey? Noah knew that he would still be aimlessly wandering and wondering, thinking of his life and mourning it. Without Gansey, there would be no Blue to kiss, no Adam to hold, no Ronan to annoy the shit out of. Noah was eternally grateful for him—the least he could do was die for him, to take his place, to be the one who faded and let Gansey live the life he had built for himself over seven painful years.<br/>
Gansey had been maybe the best friend Noah had ever had. Noah would have did a hundred more times to keep him alive.</p><p>
  <em>Who was Noah Czerny?</em>
</p><p>He was a friend you could not let go of; he was a friend who could not let go of you; he was a pain in the ass and the world’s bravest coward; he was a king.<br/>
And he had been <em>wonderful</em>.</p>
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